All Over the Damn Place

Because I am emotionally all over the place, this post will be broken up by pictures of pugs. 


I am getting to the point where there are good days and if there is an anxiety flare up I can identify and talk through what going on, or  recognize I just need a break and give myself the space to have feelings. 


Basically my brain is changing. 

For the better. 

I feel alive. 


And then there’s the anger part of it. 


The getting annoyed at every little thing because … well, my habits haven’t quite caught up with my new attitude. I think. 

See, I find myself needing to run, pace, move


So honestly, I’m not really sure why I’m writing this post except to kick myself in the ass and actually fucking get out there. For realsies. 

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The Day I Did Nothing and Was Totally OK About It

Seriously people, all I’ve done is laundry. 

Apparently being around people Saturday took a great deal out of me as yesterday I only did a mediocre job at bouncing back. 

Today I had an afternoon meeting with an author friend of mine, but after only getting a little sleep I canceled with minimal anxiety, took a nap, and here we are! 

Well, not quite. I’ve been watching WWII dramas since 1, so there’s that. 

For the first time in a long time I’m actually OKAY with how today unfolded. I clearly needed my rest and I can’t expect myself to be all, I dunno, bubbly fantastic Senator ALL THE DAMN TIME. I’m flawed and need my rest. 

BOOM. 

I’M ON THE RECOVERY ROAD 

Hollow Shell but Still Awesome

So I went to a fantastic book signing last night to support my friend and author C.B. Lee 

 

Her new book, pictured above, is AH-MAY-ZING. You should totally buy a copy & find out how great it is. Like at your local bookstore or, you know, Amazon

Normally walking into a situation where I only know 2 people (Lee, as well as another bookish friend who came with) I would have JUMPED at the chance to walk the room, ask everyone how they know Lee, had they read her other book and just really kicked ass on the shmoozing side of things. 

That did not happen with me.

 My friend did, however, and I am so happy she was able to make the connections she did.

It made me realize I’ve come a long way to be able to go to this event… And a little down that I’m not like that right now. 

Thankfully I confessed to my friend about it (especially since I told her I needed to get out of the store before we left) and her understanding and… I dunno. Just being there helped me steer my thoughts towards the good bits. 

I’m still having a bit of a pity party for myself at the moment, but honestly when you look as fabulous as I did that evening, what can I complain about? 

Getting Better

After an interesting day yesterday  (full disclosure: this just means nothing went according to plan), I feel… Normal.

I feel.. Hopeful. 

I feel like going outside, with people. 

Okay, since that kind of gave me a twang of anxiety writing about it, I should come clean… I feel like facing my fears in small quantities. 

I feel like testing myself. 

And being OK if I don’t make the mark I set for myself.

As more time passes and I have less anxiety that used to take up all my thinking room, I now have time to reflect and find clarity. 

I get it. I get that it’s not all or nothing and if sometimes I fall back into that thinking, that’s OKAY too. 

I get there’s going to be good days and bad days, and today’s a good day so I’m going to make the most of what I’ve got. 

Feeling Queasy

So the whole, “stay in the house and don’t go outside of your neighborhood” is doing absolute WONDERS for my anxiety. It’s practically gone! Oh my gosh! 


Okay, clearly that’s totally not a healthy way to deal with things, obviously. 


Besides, I’ve noticed that even having my mom around the house kind of triggers me to go into hiding because I think she’ll judge me — which is flipping REDUNCULOUS. 

Anyhow, I’ve made it my mission to go out today and run some errands. I’m even going to try and get myself to shop from a different grocery store instead of relying on the “semi-safety” of Target. 

So yeah, I’m feeling kinda sick over it since it makes me feel aimless. So instead, I’m going to list the good stuff I’ve accomplished lately:

  • Did laundry (and put it away, sort of)
  • Cleaned up the bathroom
  • Knit like a madwoman and finished a project 
  • Helped my mom bring stuff out of the shed
  • Put away/ organized dog blankets 
  • Stream journaled

Yeah, so it was only acknowledging that last one that actually calmed me down. Maybe I should write down every time I … You know, do something non-tangible like calming myself down from a panic attack, or like just right now, tuning into my good moments and making it a point to congratulate myself on it. 

By Jove, I think I’m actually onto something here. 

Workout, Workout Workout Workout

There’s a “wake-up” song that my mom used to sing when I was a kid except I now only know the tune and the beginning  (“wake-up”, repeated 4 times).  

I seriously just wasted like, 15 minutes trying to find it, but no such luck. That’s super annoying. 

OH MY GOD I TOTALLY DID IT AGAIN. STOP ME GUYS SERIOUSLY. 


There. I saved myself with pictures of kittens. And this one has a duck, isn’t it adorable? 

Riiiiiiight

Sooooooo…

The point? 

Ah. Yes. That. Good times we have, don’t we? 

So I weighed myself and it would appear in the week that I’ve holed myself up in the house knitting and cleaning and avoiding doing anything of responsibility I’ve gained 3 pounds. 

Three! Ack! Yes, yes, healthy weight fluctuation blah blah blah. Point is, 

I BLOODY WELL NEED TO WORKOUT, EH?!?!!

(I’ve been watching Murdoch Mysteries heeheeheehee)

So, yeah. How do the wake-up and the workout thing connect? Well! I’m already conditioned to hop along to the tune of  that “wake-up” song, so I figure I can Pavlov myself into a workout song. 

I’ve got a few minutes while the water boils? SQUATS AND DEAD LEG LIFTS BABY!

It’s finally an adequate temperature to walk the dogs? GET THEE OUTSIDE YAH SAUCY LADY! 

Mom’s watching tv, but you really don’t care about the show? USE THAT ELIPTICAL QUINCY! 

(Full disclosure, I’m not really sure where that last one came from, but I was excited and I still have detectives on my mind and then I thought of adventure and Quincy sounds like a super great detective name)

Now that that’s out there, I want to make a promise to myself and be all accountable and that good stuff so, what? How do I make myself accountable? I dunno. I need ideas. 

HALP. I’m not good with these things. 

Don’t Look Under the Bed

After yesterday and my mope-fest I’ve made it my mission to get over myself and… You know, follow instruction and do something called “stream of consciousness” journaling. Basically a way to get me out of my head and just “feel”. Except 5 minutes went something like this:

I don’t get what the point of this is.. WTF am I supposed to do with these when I’m done with this… I don’t want to keep this extra crap anymore.. I just want a clean slate and no stuff… No less stuff I don’t want to be homeless… I already know all this shit 

So, I dunno. Maybe it was helpful? It’s only the first day blah blah blah and I’m using blank 3×5 notecards I can just chuck afterwards. Mainly because I couldn’t find a good notebook and I honestly didn’t want to spend the energy and time MAKING another notebook (although I’ve caught that bug fiercely). Besides, I have too much knitting to do! 


Emerged look at that!! I’m almost done with the front part! 

Anyway, after this journaling I got so riled up that I’ve made it my mission to clean under my bed. This is what it looks like (warning it’s gross and very scary):

I’ve been avoiding this project for YEEEEEEEEAAAARRRRSS. It’s a festering home for trash and dust bunnies. I figure I can use it for blanket storage (vacuum sealed for dust protection) since otherwise it’s just a storage place for dirt and dust! 

I’m taking a break writing this post since, well, it’s proven to be a harder project than anticipated. 

Back to it! 

Senator out.