All Over the Damn Place

Because I am emotionally all over the place, this post will be broken up by pictures of pugs. 

I am getting to the point where there are good days and if there is an anxiety flare up I can identify and talk through what going on, or  recognize I just need a break and give myself the space to have feelings. 

Basically my brain is changing. 

For the better. 

I feel alive. 

And then there’s the anger part of it. 

The getting annoyed at every little thing because … well, my habits haven’t quite caught up with my new attitude. I think. 

See, I find myself needing to run, pace, move

So honestly, I’m not really sure why I’m writing this post except to kick myself in the ass and actually fucking get out there. For realsies. 


Workout, Workout Workout Workout

There’s a “wake-up” song that my mom used to sing when I was a kid except I now only know the tune and the beginning  (“wake-up”, repeated 4 times).  

I seriously just wasted like, 15 minutes trying to find it, but no such luck. That’s super annoying. 


There. I saved myself with pictures of kittens. And this one has a duck, isn’t it adorable? 



The point? 

Ah. Yes. That. Good times we have, don’t we? 

So I weighed myself and it would appear in the week that I’ve holed myself up in the house knitting and cleaning and avoiding doing anything of responsibility I’ve gained 3 pounds. 

Three! Ack! Yes, yes, healthy weight fluctuation blah blah blah. Point is, 


(I’ve been watching Murdoch Mysteries heeheeheehee)

So, yeah. How do the wake-up and the workout thing connect? Well! I’m already conditioned to hop along to the tune of  that “wake-up” song, so I figure I can Pavlov myself into a workout song. 

I’ve got a few minutes while the water boils? SQUATS AND DEAD LEG LIFTS BABY!

It’s finally an adequate temperature to walk the dogs? GET THEE OUTSIDE YAH SAUCY LADY! 

Mom’s watching tv, but you really don’t care about the show? USE THAT ELIPTICAL QUINCY! 

(Full disclosure, I’m not really sure where that last one came from, but I was excited and I still have detectives on my mind and then I thought of adventure and Quincy sounds like a super great detective name)

Now that that’s out there, I want to make a promise to myself and be all accountable and that good stuff so, what? How do I make myself accountable? I dunno. I need ideas. 

HALP. I’m not good with these things. 

Facebook Makes Me Anxious and Other Stupid Things

Sooooooo… I’ve kinda been peeking back on Facebook lately because I’m apparently dumb as rocks in this department. SURPRISE! 

I still hate going on there. I’m fine for like … I dunno 5-10 posts and then NOPE. NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE

My throat closes up, my heart starts racing and BOOM! I’ve got breathing exercises to do. And a window to close. (Seriously though, is just “window” the correct term or should it be something like, “internet browsing window”? That last one is a mouthful. Techies, help me out)

Also, I now feel very old. Anyhow, those with anxiety know the symptoms and we all know WE LIKE TO SHUT THAT SHIT DOOOOOOOWN, as fast as possible, if you please. 

Right, I feel like I’m getting away from myself my brain is kind of firing a lot of thoughts at once. 

Basically full disability is a full on bitch and holy crap I have got to figure this shit out fast or I’ll be … I dunno my mind just went blank. 

And yes, I’m totally working out. 

(Actually, that’s kind of a lie, I only did squats today) 

(Hi again, that’s a lie too. I did a single squat. Baby steps?) 

It’s Time To Get Serious

I’m feeling pretty optimistic about this week. 

I’ve just started AN EPIC SWEATER EXPLOIT (#epicsweaterexploit) wherein I knit & complete not one, but TWO SWEATERS BY OCTOBER

Demented? Yes, possibly, but the good adrenaline junkie in me is fueled by the challenge and pressure. Also, I’m totally crazy and WTF have I gotten myself into?!

Wait, no. I meant to say I’m a fucking badass who will grumble from time to time. 


(I mean, jeez rant much?!)

Right, okay. So I’ve decided to take a week off of therapy because OH MY GAWD DID YOU KNOW THERAPY IS FUCKING HARD?!?!?The past two weeks have been so exhausting! 

So yeah, I’m giving myself a break from triggers and panic attacks and shit because screw those bananas with a razor. 

Instead, along with my lofty knitting goal I’ve decided it’s time to get serious about my physical health. I’ve always been active and it’s time to lace up those shoes and hit the dirt… More often… Like everyday. 

I’m not going to be doing P90x or some hardcore thing like that, but, you know. Get active for 15 minutes extra a day. No biggie. 

I’ve Been Distracted

With everything going on, my workout schedule has slipped over the last two months. 

I am happy to report that I have made working out a priority again and these are the results so far:

Not terrible, but could use improvement. Hey, we all gotta start somewhere, right? As the week goes by I’ll adjust and keep motivating myself for more. 

Boxing really helps with the anxiety as I LITERALLY get to hit the bag and work out my frustrations. What I forgot to put in the photo box was that it was 30 sec off 1 min on. I get out of breathe quickly, but the freestyle lets me just blank and punch, kick, and jab at my pleasure. 

I’d been thinking about my health for a few weeks now, but what really pushed me over the edge is the fact that my anxiety filled dreams are back, with full force. 

I can’t even describe them when I wake up, I just know while I’m in them they’re so filled with things I can’t keep up with or are so far out of my control I feel the urge to cry. In the dream. 

The worst part is lately they’ve been getting so bad that even if I realize I’m dreaming, and say, “it’s just a dream, you’re OK” I can’t wake up and the dream plays out like a horror movie. 

When I do wake up… It’s not fun. I have to figure out a way to cope and work through it. Anxiety, to be continued…