Taking It In Stride

Life has been pretty amazing this past week. I’ve come a really long way and I was on cloud 9 yesterday. 

So, of course, I wake up at 3am anxious as fuck and not knowing why. 

One of the breakthoughs that happened was genuinely giving myself credit for all I’ve done and putting my situation into perspective: THIS IS MY TIME TO HEAL. TAKE THE TIME TO REST WHEN YOU NEED TO

And here I am, anxious. Sliding a little backwards on that thinking that I’ve come so far to understand. 

On a mental level, I still get it. I keep breathing and I’m doing a pretty awesome job of partially calming myself down and working through this moment. (Another improvement, if I do say so myself!)

Anyway, even with my badass coping skills, I’m still teetering on the edge of panic. Slipping down and “back” to where I was. 

(That honestly makes me giggle.. Kay. Moving on)

THE TRUTH is that there is no going back. I clearly have a little extra to go in giving myself space to relax and that’s fucking fine. So yeah, I might be in the throws of the symptoms of ohshitohshitohshit but I know it’s temporary. And I’m strong enough now to know it. 

So I’ll be just fine, DAMNIT. 


Things I’m Thinking At 4:30 In the F***ing Morning

The glamour you guys. 

  • Oh my God I’m still up!
  • Will I ever get to sleep? 
  • Of course I will! 
  • WTF is on my phone? I just cleaned it yesterday with alcohol. Maybe it needs to be a daily task?
  • Do I still have OCD? 
  • Will I ever get better? 
  • They should invent good tasting Xanax. It has to dissolve quickly anyway. 
  • Why is it a struggle for me to swallow a Xanax fast enough? 
  • Seriously, this happens almost daily. 

  • Seriously, wtf is up with my phone? 
  •  I wonder if I let the Xanax dissolve in juice..?
  • No. nope. Not a doctor. 
  • WINE!*

*day drinking alone is frowned upon and not recommended**

**again, I am not a doctor

Unsaved Changes

I’ve been absent for a little while, yes? 

I don’t want to talk about it. 

Every time I open the WordPress app I see that nasty little box that taunts me with the simple words, “unsaved changes”. 

To me, what I let my brain tell me it says is, “you big fat failure, why can’t you get your thoughts out and say something?!?” Which I must admit is super harsh and is exactly what I’ve been working on — the whole mega judgement of myself. 

It’s almost still too raw for me to think or write about it even right now, but I promised myself that I would pause when that judgement and anxiety come up and breathe. 

I don’t have to prove to anyone who I am or what I am except myself and, believe it or not, IM ONE MAGNIFICENT FUCKING FLOWER. 

Nay Sir, I am a mother-flipping honey badger ready for high tea. 


Yeah, that imagery works for me. 

Making Amendments

In the traditional “sleeping hours” as I stated wide awake something was really bothering me– for the first time in a long while I wasn’t awake because I had anxiety, but because I still had energy to burn off

See, in the past, many years ago — before my knee injury (and subsequent lengthy healing time I’m still recovering from; before all this anxiety, panic disorder, and OCD gripped me — I was a woman of action. I loved moving, getting out and working my body to that sweet ache in my chest and that warm burn flushed through my muscles. I loved doing. I loved the thrill of a tough problem. I rushed to overcome the difficult stuff. It was like a high. 

Then came the knee thing and as soon as I was on the path to normalcy the anxiety crept in…. CLEARLY the Universe has something to say to me that I haven’t been getting. 

My point? Oh yeah, thanks for sticking around for that history lesson. 

Anyway, what I mean to say is I am grateful to have had a day nearly free of anxiety, no panic attacks (I didn’t leave the house sooooo that may have had something to do with that). I’m grateful to have felt bored for once. Hell, I was almost myself. I am so grateful to have this opportunity to focus on the hard stuff. I’m grateful to I dunno, feel the ouch and have the room to hide if I want to and the room to crawl out when I’m ready. 


For now. 

Nighttime Excursions

As it’s been well established, anxiety comes with some interesting side effects. Insomnia can be one of them, but lately I wouldn’t classify my being up after midnight “insomnia.” I’ve been taking a great deal of ill-timed naps, that just so happen to only last 3-5 hours…. and oh ho! I wake in the dead of night.


I watch a lot of murder mystery crime shows as they soothe me. With all the chaos that comes with anxiety and working through severe perfectionism as well as all the other stuff… Solving tangible puzzles just… Helps calm the chatter in my head. 

I have noticed, however, an uptick in my need to clean in the dead of night. Clean and lock the doors and “be prepared.” 

On one hand I am totally down for this need to have clean things and organized and just… Open, you know? 

For now I’m kind of letting this pattern nighttime cleaning thing take its course as, well, it’s soothing and honestly who doesn’t love a clean house? 

Hitting Some Road Bumps

So today (technically yesterday) was rough. I was depressed most of the day due to some ongoing frustrations that I really can’t go into too much detail with and as I’m trying to fall asleep it’s morphed into this weird anxious OCD depression which is really weird? 

I know what depression feels like, and I know how anxiety feels, but this is a real kicker. 

Like the logical side of myself kinda has to laugh at the whole bizarre novelty of it. 

It feels like… It feels like one of those spinning things on the playground — or wait, no. Like Goldilocks, but instead of breaking and entering she’s trying on outfits for a really important event. 

Except my event is my life. And there’s the dress that I’ve  had for a while but haven’t worn in a while and I say, “why not, it used to be comfortable” but then OH, EW. NO. That color just won’t do. So then I start to think about what message I want to send and ack! Nothing is perfect enough, how will I ever be able to make a decision?!? Well fuck, I just, nononononononononononononono It’s too much spin spin spin spin spin. 

I couldn’t bring myself to reread that last paragraph because it actually almost induced another anxiety attack so let’s just say it sucks right about now?

It’s weird.  

I do know, unlike before, this feeling is temporary and I will indeed be able to find a solution to my problem. I know I can be flexible and I can be patient. 

Change is possible and I am making progress. One tiny box of kittens at a time. 

box of kittens

No Title Because I’m Lazy

Well love dumplings of the internet, what a difference the right medication makes!

I’m quite certain that I’ve had one of my more “exhausting” 36 hours yet, good gracious I’m about as chipper as I could be. I won’t go into details because honestly it doesn’t really matter now and I’m too lazy to re-hash that whole disaster.

This empowerment began Tuesday or Wednesday (my memory gets murky when I don’t like things that happen) ANYWAY, that was the start of the firm boundaries I asserted early this week, even within myself. I’m taking a break from Facebook because that’s a clusterfuck and a half and frankly my anxiety and me can’t handle anything but sunshine and rainbows on the outside.

Well, and corpses, but that’s just the detective and the archeologist in me.

So yeah, I’m off Facebook and have told my family they need to kindly respect that I want nothing to do with my Dad. No passing fucking notes that he’s on one hell of a fucking bender (I mean, fuck people it’s not like THAT’S news); no passing messages to me saying he loves me — I KNOW he loves me, but he’s also very sick and it makes him a manipulative, passive aggressive fucking ass so no thank you to that — and frankly I’m done with his 100th cry wolf of suicide for… well, you get the picture.

Rabbit Hole of stupid, meet Senator. Senator, you totally just fell right into that one.


Kay so boundaries, yay me. Also, MEDICATION CHANGE HOLY CRAP THERE ARE RAINBOWS. I realize it takes about a week or so to the body to get used to the new dosage, but DAYUMN. I feel like myself again y’all . It’s fucking banana-cakes.

Like, I look forward to the day. I can easily prioritize, identify what needs to be done and — here’s the real kicker — actually follow through WITHOUT HESITATION.

That’s fucking huge, dudes.

I’ve only had 3 hours of sleep due to severe allergies and yet today… today was pretty fucking awesome. Too tired to get into details. Again, lazy but I so don’t care. Muahahahaha! (kidding, sort of).

So since I’ve cut myself off from Facebook, I’ve been using Instagram and twitter to stay connected. If you’d like to see the crazy in action, feel free to follow me @senatorsipes

Instagram: @senatorsipes

twitter: @senatorsipes

I try to make things pretty easy.

Peace out gentle unicorns.