I’ve been absent for a little while, yes?
I don’t want to talk about it.
Every time I open the WordPress app I see that nasty little box that taunts me with the simple words, “unsaved changes”.
To me, what I let my brain tell me it says is, “you big fat failure, why can’t you get your thoughts out and say something?!?” Which I must admit is super harsh and is exactly what I’ve been working on — the whole mega judgement of myself.
It’s almost still too raw for me to think or write about it even right now, but I promised myself that I would pause when that judgement and anxiety come up and breathe.
I don’t have to prove to anyone who I am or what I am except myself and, believe it or not, IM ONE MAGNIFICENT FUCKING FLOWER.
Nay Sir, I am a mother-flipping honey badger ready for high tea.
Yeah, that imagery works for me.
Because I am emotionally all over the place, this post will be broken up by pictures of pugs.
I am getting to the point where there are good days and if there is an anxiety flare up I can identify and talk through what going on, or recognize I just need a break and give myself the space to have feelings.
Basically my brain is changing.
For the better.
I feel alive.
And then there’s the anger part of it.
The getting annoyed at every little thing because … well, my habits haven’t quite caught up with my new attitude. I think.
See, I find myself needing to run, pace, move.
So honestly, I’m not really sure why I’m writing this post except to kick myself in the ass and actually fucking get out there. For realsies.
So today (technically yesterday) was rough. I was depressed most of the day due to some ongoing frustrations that I really can’t go into too much detail with and as I’m trying to fall asleep it’s morphed into this weird anxious OCD depression which is really weird?
I know what depression feels like, and I know how anxiety feels, but this is a real kicker.
Like the logical side of myself kinda has to laugh at the whole bizarre novelty of it.
It feels like… It feels like one of those spinning things on the playground — or wait, no. Like Goldilocks, but instead of breaking and entering she’s trying on outfits for a really important event.
Except my event is my life. And there’s the dress that I’ve had for a while but haven’t worn in a while and I say, “why not, it used to be comfortable” but then OH, EW. NO. That color just won’t do. So then I start to think about what message I want to send and ack! Nothing is perfect enough, how will I ever be able to make a decision?!? Well fuck, I just, nononononononononononononono It’s too much spin spin spin spin spin.
I couldn’t bring myself to reread that last paragraph because it actually almost induced another anxiety attack so let’s just say it sucks right about now?
I do know, unlike before, this feeling is temporary and I will indeed be able to find a solution to my problem. I know I can be flexible and I can be patient.
Change is possible and I am making progress. One tiny box of kittens at a time.