Unsaved Changes

I’ve been absent for a little while, yes? 

I don’t want to talk about it. 

Every time I open the WordPress app I see that nasty little box that taunts me with the simple words, “unsaved changes”. 

To me, what I let my brain tell me it says is, “you big fat failure, why can’t you get your thoughts out and say something?!?” Which I must admit is super harsh and is exactly what I’ve been working on — the whole mega judgement of myself. 

It’s almost still too raw for me to think or write about it even right now, but I promised myself that I would pause when that judgement and anxiety come up and breathe. 

I don’t have to prove to anyone who I am or what I am except myself and, believe it or not, IM ONE MAGNIFICENT FUCKING FLOWER. 

Nay Sir, I am a mother-flipping honey badger ready for high tea. 

DAMNIT. 

Yeah, that imagery works for me. 

Advertisements

What Are You Doing?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’ve been really lucky about the type of support I’m getting from mostly everyone around me. 

Then there’s people who don’t. 

And honestly, that’s totally fine that not everyone knows what a panic attack feels like or the crushing pressure that anxious people put on themselves consciously or subconsciously or how hard it is just to do basic tasks. 

The sad part is, I’m not always in a position to educate them. Maybe when I’m in a better place I can but right now when I get asked “But what do you do all day?!?” When I let them know I’m on disability. 

That question has been really bugging me since it came from a trigger source — my brothers’ mother — this past weekend. I was all ready to see them and face any lingering fears I had head on and… curveball


Not surprising, this is life. 

I rattled off something vague like how I’m getting better but I only have my “safe” places that I go to and I’m cleaning a lot or I stay in my little town. 

Here’s what I wish I had said: I do a lot of inner work. I meditate, pray, journal, knit a lot. I take frequent breaks because a cleaning project feels too much for me or I have to spend time actively learning to change how and what I say to myself. Some days I stay in bed just sleeping because I exhausted myself with people the day before. Sometimes I stay in bed all day because I feel paralyzed by fear that I’m fucking it all up. But then there are really great days where I feel like myself again and I am kicking all sorts of ass on the chores or outings list. What am I doing all day? I’m actively getting better come hell or high water. 

Don’t Look Under the Bed

After yesterday and my mope-fest I’ve made it my mission to get over myself and… You know, follow instruction and do something called “stream of consciousness” journaling. Basically a way to get me out of my head and just “feel”. Except 5 minutes went something like this:

I don’t get what the point of this is.. WTF am I supposed to do with these when I’m done with this… I don’t want to keep this extra crap anymore.. I just want a clean slate and no stuff… No less stuff I don’t want to be homeless… I already know all this shit 

So, I dunno. Maybe it was helpful? It’s only the first day blah blah blah and I’m using blank 3×5 notecards I can just chuck afterwards. Mainly because I couldn’t find a good notebook and I honestly didn’t want to spend the energy and time MAKING another notebook (although I’ve caught that bug fiercely). Besides, I have too much knitting to do! 


Emerged look at that!! I’m almost done with the front part! 

Anyway, after this journaling I got so riled up that I’ve made it my mission to clean under my bed. This is what it looks like (warning it’s gross and very scary):

I’ve been avoiding this project for YEEEEEEEEAAAARRRRSS. It’s a festering home for trash and dust bunnies. I figure I can use it for blanket storage (vacuum sealed for dust protection) since otherwise it’s just a storage place for dirt and dust! 

I’m taking a break writing this post since, well, it’s proven to be a harder project than anticipated. 

Back to it! 

Senator out. 

High Anxiety Day

Ugh. 
Today my anxiety/ perfectionism is being a bit of a mosquito today. See, I have this plan. 

This plan includes organizing the house room by room. 

I’ve kept my mother apprised of this since, well, she’s finally ready to let a lot of crap go. She’s still holding onto things that, in her mind “could be used for gifts” or “are super valuable” — and yet they are unused for over 5 years. 

Let’s just say that clashes with my, “oh my God it hasn’t been used in 6 months and I have zero attatchment ew, get it away” philosophy. 

Anyway, I had a plan but last night I was talking to my mom and she started throwing more ideas out there as if we were brainstorming. Any non anxious person would be all, “what great ideas! I’m so happy we’re on the same cleaning and organizing page, we’ll totally kick ass at this over the coming months/ years.”

Sadly, my brain heard: OMG THIS NEEDS TO BE DONE RIGHT NOW

Aaaaand that’s where I’m at right now. 

Writing about it helps, as if the critical thinking sane side of my brain can hold roots and become real. 

So, yeah, maybe I just need to write down my goals a little smaller and I’ll get this project done. And clean like a badass. 


Side note: Can I just say how infuriating it was to see 99% of pictures of WOMEN cleaning when I put in “cleaning” in the photo search?!? It wasn’t until I adjusted the term to be “superhero cleaning” that it suddenly became 90% MEN. 

Sexism, alive and well, folks. Grrrrr. 

OCD You SOB

As far as my mental health is concerned, I’m in the “it gets worse before it gets better” ideology. 

The pending full-time disability status really got my OCD going today. I worked myself raw to  clean clean clean. To make sure I had every “perfect” tools from Target to make the sink shine, and floor look pretty, and the wood be gorgeous, and the dust just magic itself away. 

Looking back, I get it. My brain is telling me that maybe, just maybe if I have the perfect home inside, I can make my outside life perfect too. I could go back to work, be the best employee possible etc etc etc. 

Except … Except right now I’m sick and I need help. 

It’s Time To Get Serious

I’m feeling pretty optimistic about this week. 

I’ve just started AN EPIC SWEATER EXPLOIT (#epicsweaterexploit) wherein I knit & complete not one, but TWO SWEATERS BY OCTOBER

Demented? Yes, possibly, but the good adrenaline junkie in me is fueled by the challenge and pressure. Also, I’m totally crazy and WTF have I gotten myself into?!

Wait, no. I meant to say I’m a fucking badass who will grumble from time to time. 

ANYWAY

(I mean, jeez rant much?!)

Right, okay. So I’ve decided to take a week off of therapy because OH MY GAWD DID YOU KNOW THERAPY IS FUCKING HARD?!?!?The past two weeks have been so exhausting! 

So yeah, I’m giving myself a break from triggers and panic attacks and shit because screw those bananas with a razor. 

Instead, along with my lofty knitting goal I’ve decided it’s time to get serious about my physical health. I’ve always been active and it’s time to lace up those shoes and hit the dirt… More often… Like everyday. 

I’m not going to be doing P90x or some hardcore thing like that, but, you know. Get active for 15 minutes extra a day. No biggie. 

Nighttime Excursions

As it’s been well established, anxiety comes with some interesting side effects. Insomnia can be one of them, but lately I wouldn’t classify my being up after midnight “insomnia.” I’ve been taking a great deal of ill-timed naps, that just so happen to only last 3-5 hours…. and oh ho! I wake in the dead of night.

bomxdvqar7gay

I watch a lot of murder mystery crime shows as they soothe me. With all the chaos that comes with anxiety and working through severe perfectionism as well as all the other stuff… Solving tangible puzzles just… Helps calm the chatter in my head. 

I have noticed, however, an uptick in my need to clean in the dead of night. Clean and lock the doors and “be prepared.” 

On one hand I am totally down for this need to have clean things and organized and just… Open, you know? 

For now I’m kind of letting this pattern nighttime cleaning thing take its course as, well, it’s soothing and honestly who doesn’t love a clean house?