This is basically how I’ve been all day and haven’t made much progress since this photo was taken this morning.
Have I talked about my knitting on this blog? Well anyway, I knit. A lot. It’s actually how I stay sane but this whole #epicsweaterexploit is killing me.
Apparently sweater burnout is common in knitters BUT OH MY GOD I CAN’T WALK AWAY.
AND I CAN’T JUST KNIT ONE SWEATER, I’M FREAKING KNITTING TWO. AT ONCE!
I’m supposed to have the front AND back of the sweater done by tomorrow’s class at noon. I keep threatening everyone I’ll impale myself on my knitting needles.
Actually, to sound less morbid I’ve just been moaning that I’ll die from knitting, but at this point-hah!- I can’t decide if garrote by circular needles or falling on those sharp sticks would be better?
I’m kidding folks. Suicide is a big bad real thing that I’m not touching with a ten foot pole right now since I’m not sure how many brain cells I have left.
BUT OH MY GOD PLEASE KILL ME. I’m in a vicious knitting cycle. Send tickets to a cruise because fuck this shit right now.
I’m feeling pretty optimistic about this week.
I’ve just started AN EPIC SWEATER EXPLOIT (#epicsweaterexploit) wherein I knit & complete not one, but TWO SWEATERS BY OCTOBER.
Demented? Yes, possibly, but the good adrenaline junkie in me is fueled by the challenge and pressure. Also, I’m totally crazy and WTF have I gotten myself into?!
Wait, no. I meant to say I’m a fucking badass who will grumble from time to time.
(I mean, jeez rant much?!)
Right, okay. So I’ve decided to take a week off of therapy because OH MY GAWD DID YOU KNOW THERAPY IS FUCKING HARD?!?!?The past two weeks have been so exhausting!
So yeah, I’m giving myself a break from triggers and panic attacks and shit because screw those bananas with a razor.
Instead, along with my lofty knitting goal I’ve decided it’s time to get serious about my physical health. I’ve always been active and it’s time to lace up those shoes and hit the dirt… More often… Like everyday.
I’m not going to be doing P90x or some hardcore thing like that, but, you know. Get active for 15 minutes extra a day. No biggie.
This is basically how my day went.
Knitting is hard and I’ve started to question my sanity.
There are so many things y’all, but I’m so fucking tired I can only convey it through photos.
I can’t tell if the fact that I am still mostly conscious and functioning is because I can’t put the urge to complete ALL THE THINGS to rest or if it’s the 14 shots of espresso I have consumed today– although no caffeine was consumed after my strict 2p curfew.
I am feeling a tad adrift again having finished another fabulous book, and my knitting is coming along swiftly and far better than I could have hoped for. In fact, I relish the fact that I gain skill and speed with each new knitting project.
Yet my mind cannot find peace. It’s like I’m in a calm, stable mindset and part of my brain is trying to find something to panic about.
It’s more than a little frustrating, to say the least. And of course being so critical of oneself is counter productive…
Lord help me I’m raving like a madwoman.
… And I just spent the better part of 10 minutes looking as 19th century insane asylum photos.
I’m having a bevy of emotions at the moment and because I can’t seem to sort through them and calm down, well, that’s what I created this site for in the first place.
So as I think I said before after every knitting project I feel a bit on the lost side of things. The same thing happens after a wonderful book.
I’ve read 4 wonderful books and completed 1.5 knitting projects this week (the .5 is a sock). To say I’m feeling emotionally and creatively off-kilter would be quite the astute observation.
You see, there’s this weird sense of pride and elation from completing something and then.. And then I have to ask myself, “what’s next?” Fear of the unknown and change can be especially daunting when it comes to anxiety sufferers like myself.
I personally have difficulty settling down and relaxing as the urge to be productive is pretty dang strong. Even more so when I’m avoiding anxiety inducing activities such as a large project or simple tasks I perceive as big mountains.
In the end this post has actually increased my emotional agitation so hahaha, I think is wise to stop.
Whenever I complete a knitting project I always feel a little lost. I spend hours on Ravelry or Pintrest looking at cool stuff people have knitted. Like I’m searching for THE PROJECT. The next high. The One that will make me go, damn I’m good. This time is a little different…
Every knitter has their disaster story. Hell, I have several. This is definitely the first one on this scale, that took this much time, and made with such yummy yummy yarn. (Bamboo Pop 50% cotton/ 50% bamboo “Bright Spot”– if anyone cares to know)
It turns out that after all off my marathon knitting, after finding how heavy on the needles it got, after all the petting of the yarn and showing it off to others as I knit along, I cast off the last stitch and…
It was too small
I won’t lie, there were a few hours that I was pretty hard on myself and the lost feeling after every project was even worse.
Thankfully I came to grips and I think I’ve found a solution, but I’ll reserve judgement AFTER it’s been washed and finished.
Hooray for small victories.
And now, I must greet the world.