Hollow Shell but Still Awesome

So I went to a fantastic book signing last night to support my friend and author C.B. Lee 

 

Her new book, pictured above, is AH-MAY-ZING. You should totally buy a copy & find out how great it is. Like at your local bookstore or, you know, Amazon

Normally walking into a situation where I only know 2 people (Lee, as well as another bookish friend who came with) I would have JUMPED at the chance to walk the room, ask everyone how they know Lee, had they read her other book and just really kicked ass on the shmoozing side of things. 

That did not happen with me.

 My friend did, however, and I am so happy she was able to make the connections she did.

It made me realize I’ve come a long way to be able to go to this event… And a little down that I’m not like that right now. 

Thankfully I confessed to my friend about it (especially since I told her I needed to get out of the store before we left) and her understanding and… I dunno. Just being there helped me steer my thoughts towards the good bits. 

I’m still having a bit of a pity party for myself at the moment, but honestly when you look as fabulous as I did that evening, what can I complain about? 

Facebook Makes Me Anxious and Other Stupid Things

Sooooooo… I’ve kinda been peeking back on Facebook lately because I’m apparently dumb as rocks in this department. SURPRISE! 

I still hate going on there. I’m fine for like … I dunno 5-10 posts and then NOPE. NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE


My throat closes up, my heart starts racing and BOOM! I’ve got breathing exercises to do. And a window to close. (Seriously though, is just “window” the correct term or should it be something like, “internet browsing window”? That last one is a mouthful. Techies, help me out)

Also, I now feel very old. Anyhow, those with anxiety know the symptoms and we all know WE LIKE TO SHUT THAT SHIT DOOOOOOOWN, as fast as possible, if you please. 

Right, I feel like I’m getting away from myself my brain is kind of firing a lot of thoughts at once. 

Basically full disability is a full on bitch and holy crap I have got to figure this shit out fast or I’ll be … I dunno my mind just went blank. 

And yes, I’m totally working out. 

(Actually, that’s kind of a lie, I only did squats today) 

(Hi again, that’s a lie too. I did a single squat. Baby steps?) 

Happier Times

You might think from all my posts that I’m sick, afraid, and totally consumed by OCD/ Panic Disorder.. Which don’t get me wrong, I am pretty sick — I couldn’t bring myself to going to my friend’s going away party and then spent.. An hour? (I think) in a Michael’s parking lot calming myself down because I had hit my limit on interacting / being around strangers. 

BUT OH MY GOD I DIGRESS

Basically I’m not ALWAYS how I seem on this blog. I write here when I need to get something out of my brain because I don’t know what else to do. 

Today was pretty good — I had brunch and ran a few errands with said friend who is moving to a cold place (this makes me very happy as I CAN KNIT HER WARM THINGS). Now, I did start to get way anxious when I couldn’t find my particular cleaning gloves from Costco at the Costco we went to. 


Said insanely hard to find (apparently) cleaning gloves. OH MY GAWD I AM SO ANNOYED GUYS. 

Anyway, I held it together while I was with aforementioned friend but holy craptasm did I really start getting INSANELY anxious when I then couldn’t find a good bullet journal. I mean, the stores acted like it was the craziest thing in the world to have GRAPH PAPER in a small notebook! Bad luck, I know, since I can think of 5 other establishments that would have had what I was looking for… 

BUT THEN I JUST GOT FED UP AND DECIDED TO MAKE ONE. 

Because I don’t just knit, y’all. I’m a fucking book binding genius (not really, it’s just tape and hot glue. I honestly don’t know how long it will last.)


And yes, I totally changed the quote to something way more positive.