I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’ve been really lucky about the type of support I’m getting from mostly everyone around me.
Then there’s people who don’t.
And honestly, that’s totally fine that not everyone knows what a panic attack feels like or the crushing pressure that anxious people put on themselves consciously or subconsciously or how hard it is just to do basic tasks.
The sad part is, I’m not always in a position to educate them. Maybe when I’m in a better place I can but right now when I get asked “But what do you do all day?!?” When I let them know I’m on disability.
That question has been really bugging me since it came from a trigger source — my brothers’ mother — this past weekend. I was all ready to see them and face any lingering fears I had head on and… curveball.
Not surprising, this is life.
I rattled off something vague like how I’m getting better but I only have my “safe” places that I go to and I’m cleaning a lot or I stay in my little town.
Here’s what I wish I had said: I do a lot of inner work. I meditate, pray, journal, knit a lot. I take frequent breaks because a cleaning project feels too much for me or I have to spend time actively learning to change how and what I say to myself. Some days I stay in bed just sleeping because I exhausted myself with people the day before. Sometimes I stay in bed all day because I feel paralyzed by fear that I’m fucking it all up. But then there are really great days where I feel like myself again and I am kicking all sorts of ass on the chores or outings list. What am I doing all day? I’m actively getting better come hell or high water.
Sooooooo… I’ve kinda been peeking back on Facebook lately because I’m apparently dumb as rocks in this department. SURPRISE!
I still hate going on there. I’m fine for like … I dunno 5-10 posts and then NOPE. NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE
My throat closes up, my heart starts racing and BOOM! I’ve got breathing exercises to do. And a window to close. (Seriously though, is just “window” the correct term or should it be something like, “internet browsing window”? That last one is a mouthful. Techies, help me out)
Also, I now feel very old. Anyhow, those with anxiety know the symptoms and we all know WE LIKE TO SHUT THAT SHIT DOOOOOOOWN, as fast as possible, if you please.
Right, I feel like I’m getting away from myself my brain is kind of firing a lot of thoughts at once.
Basically full disability is a full on bitch and holy crap I have got to figure this shit out fast or I’ll be … I dunno my mind just went blank.
And yes, I’m totally working out.
(Actually, that’s kind of a lie, I only did squats today)
(Hi again, that’s a lie too. I did a single squat. Baby steps?)
It’s a terrible feeling knowing that everything will be just dandy, yet feeling like every move you make is a bad one, or you won’t live up to expectations.
I’m taking my brothers to Harry Potter World tomorrow and to be sure that’s where my anxiety lies.
Not my brothers, not the actual outing — but making sure that I’M perfect, at least in the eyes of their mother.
My brain tells me that if I’m not, I won’t be able to see my brothers again for a very long time.
And the tasks to “make myself perfect” are long, and time consuming. Not to mention overwhelming as fuck.
I know I’m spiraling, but I can’t seem to get my head out of the bullshit I’ve created for myself.
Fucking therapy and self actualization and bettering myself.
So today (technically yesterday) was rough. I was depressed most of the day due to some ongoing frustrations that I really can’t go into too much detail with and as I’m trying to fall asleep it’s morphed into this weird anxious OCD depression which is really weird?
I know what depression feels like, and I know how anxiety feels, but this is a real kicker.
Like the logical side of myself kinda has to laugh at the whole bizarre novelty of it.
It feels like… It feels like one of those spinning things on the playground — or wait, no. Like Goldilocks, but instead of breaking and entering she’s trying on outfits for a really important event.
Except my event is my life. And there’s the dress that I’ve had for a while but haven’t worn in a while and I say, “why not, it used to be comfortable” but then OH, EW. NO. That color just won’t do. So then I start to think about what message I want to send and ack! Nothing is perfect enough, how will I ever be able to make a decision?!? Well fuck, I just, nononononononononononononono It’s too much spin spin spin spin spin.
I couldn’t bring myself to reread that last paragraph because it actually almost induced another anxiety attack so let’s just say it sucks right about now?
I do know, unlike before, this feeling is temporary and I will indeed be able to find a solution to my problem. I know I can be flexible and I can be patient.
Change is possible and I am making progress. One tiny box of kittens at a time.