All Over the Damn Place

Because I am emotionally all over the place, this post will be broken up by pictures of pugs. 

I am getting to the point where there are good days and if there is an anxiety flare up I can identify and talk through what going on, or  recognize I just need a break and give myself the space to have feelings. 

Basically my brain is changing. 

For the better. 

I feel alive. 

And then there’s the anger part of it. 

The getting annoyed at every little thing because … well, my habits haven’t quite caught up with my new attitude. I think. 

See, I find myself needing to run, pace, move

So honestly, I’m not really sure why I’m writing this post except to kick myself in the ass and actually fucking get out there. For realsies. 


Hopes and Dreams

I’m feeling a bit on the punchy side of things today, which doesn’t help my anxiety AT ALL. It could be the wildfire that is blanketing our city, or it might even be my lack of sleep. 

Nope. It’s for sure my lack of sleep. 

Henceforth there shall be cute animal photos because I fucking feel like it, OK? 

Whenever I’m feeling anxious for “no reason” it’s kind of hard for me to breathe my way to complete calm. It’s always hidden, a subtle current that has me on alert at all times. 

Meds help, and then they don’t. 

It’s a weird dance I haven’t gotten the moves down right so shit unfolds clumsily sometimes. 

Sometimes have come a call in’ today. 

I wish I could say I did well and found progress, but no. I was a downright bitch. 

Think aggressive driving.

Think silently fuming at slow-movers at the craft store. 

Think self-abusive shouting (in my head) at myself for only having the energy to do 2 of the 5 things I had wished to do today. 

I’m not proud of myself today, but today isn’t over. 

I can turn this negativity around. 

I’m going to be nice to myself. 

I’m going to take a nap. 

The Lush: My actual dog, Bernadette.

Hello Insomnia, My Old Friend

I can’t tell if the fact that I am still mostly conscious and functioning is because I can’t put the urge to complete ALL THE THINGS to rest or if it’s the 14 shots of espresso I have consumed today– although no caffeine was consumed after my strict 2p curfew. 

I am feeling a tad adrift again having finished another fabulous book, and my knitting is coming along swiftly and far better than I could have hoped for. In fact, I relish the fact that I gain skill and speed with each new knitting project. 

Yet my mind cannot find peace. It’s like I’m in a calm, stable mindset and part of my brain is trying to find something to panic about. 

It’s more than a little frustrating, to say the least. And of course being so critical of oneself is counter productive… 

Lord help me I’m raving like a madwoman. 

… And I just spent the better part of 10 minutes looking as 19th century insane asylum photos. 

Oh joy.