Of Dishes and Safety

Welp, it’s official. 

I’m on disability until the end of the year. 

On one hand I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and on the other I still feel as if I’ve failed myself and others for “copping out”. 

I have super high anxiety at the moment so let’s change the subject, yes? 

As I mentioned I’ve sort of let my rituals and compulsions take over this week because, well, no matter where the urge to clean is coming from… I’m actually cleaning? 

Except for the fact that I’m focusing on the kitchen and my bathroom sooooo… Really, not so helpful, yes? 

One thing that eases my anxiety TEMPORARILY is cleaning the kitchen every night. I’m talking the works — wash the dishes in the sink, sanitize the sink, wipe down the counters and cabinets, and finally treat the wood cabinets with whatever is in the 7th Generation wood cleaner to make it look shiny. 

I know I’m sick and I’ve really dug myself a deep one, but when almost everything makes you feel like you’re either causing danger or in danger… Well at least I’m not fucking shooting up heroin. 

Silver linings people, silver fucking linings. 

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