I am literally sobbing intermittently at work while writing this.
My sleep has been really crazy and I woke up more tired than usual with high levels of underlying panic that followed soon after. I’m nervous about a lot of things right now and it’s really hard to reconcile the fact that I won’t be able to get it all done. I won’t be able to be ON. I won’t be able to be PERFECT.
That last sentence felt like a stab to my chest.
I’m trying so hard to be forgiving, to stick the rest of my shift out but I don’t know if I can.
I lasted about 1 hour after I initially wrote this. I broke out into a crushing panic attack after I wrote that last line. After taking MORE Xanax I calmed down enough to appear decent to customers and coworkers but the fear just wouldn’t go away, so I caved.
I drove home the windy, dark, less populated back road because honestly, I really wanted to be alone.
The more I drove the fear began to fade as anger sparked with each turn in the road. Now that I’m home, I’m sleepy but pissed as hell… At myself. Pissed that I gave up, pissed that I let fear win, pissed that even now at home I don’t have the strength to get stuff done. I’m angry that I feel this way and that I talk to myself like this.
I feel like a failure on so many fronts that I can’t seem to pick apart the strings to have a starting point.
What a fucking night.