High Anxiety Day

Today my anxiety/ perfectionism is being a bit of a mosquito today. See, I have this plan. 

This plan includes organizing the house room by room. 

I’ve kept my mother apprised of this since, well, she’s finally ready to let a lot of crap go. She’s still holding onto things that, in her mind “could be used for gifts” or “are super valuable” — and yet they are unused for over 5 years. 

Let’s just say that clashes with my, “oh my God it hasn’t been used in 6 months and I have zero attatchment ew, get it away” philosophy. 

Anyway, I had a plan but last night I was talking to my mom and she started throwing more ideas out there as if we were brainstorming. Any non anxious person would be all, “what great ideas! I’m so happy we’re on the same cleaning and organizing page, we’ll totally kick ass at this over the coming months/ years.”

Sadly, my brain heard: OMG THIS NEEDS TO BE DONE RIGHT NOW

Aaaaand that’s where I’m at right now. 

Writing about it helps, as if the critical thinking sane side of my brain can hold roots and become real. 

So, yeah, maybe I just need to write down my goals a little smaller and I’ll get this project done. And clean like a badass. 

Side note: Can I just say how infuriating it was to see 99% of pictures of WOMEN cleaning when I put in “cleaning” in the photo search?!? It wasn’t until I adjusted the term to be “superhero cleaning” that it suddenly became 90% MEN. 

Sexism, alive and well, folks. Grrrrr. 


Making Amendments

In the traditional “sleeping hours” as I stated wide awake something was really bothering me– for the first time in a long while I wasn’t awake because I had anxiety, but because I still had energy to burn off

See, in the past, many years ago — before my knee injury (and subsequent lengthy healing time I’m still recovering from; before all this anxiety, panic disorder, and OCD gripped me — I was a woman of action. I loved moving, getting out and working my body to that sweet ache in my chest and that warm burn flushed through my muscles. I loved doing. I loved the thrill of a tough problem. I rushed to overcome the difficult stuff. It was like a high. 

Then came the knee thing and as soon as I was on the path to normalcy the anxiety crept in…. CLEARLY the Universe has something to say to me that I haven’t been getting. 

My point? Oh yeah, thanks for sticking around for that history lesson. 

Anyway, what I mean to say is I am grateful to have had a day nearly free of anxiety, no panic attacks (I didn’t leave the house sooooo that may have had something to do with that). I’m grateful to have felt bored for once. Hell, I was almost myself. I am so grateful to have this opportunity to focus on the hard stuff. I’m grateful to I dunno, feel the ouch and have the room to hide if I want to and the room to crawl out when I’m ready. 


For now. 

Facebook Makes Me Anxious and Other Stupid Things

Sooooooo… I’ve kinda been peeking back on Facebook lately because I’m apparently dumb as rocks in this department. SURPRISE! 

I still hate going on there. I’m fine for like … I dunno 5-10 posts and then NOPE. NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE

My throat closes up, my heart starts racing and BOOM! I’ve got breathing exercises to do. And a window to close. (Seriously though, is just “window” the correct term or should it be something like, “internet browsing window”? That last one is a mouthful. Techies, help me out)

Also, I now feel very old. Anyhow, those with anxiety know the symptoms and we all know WE LIKE TO SHUT THAT SHIT DOOOOOOOWN, as fast as possible, if you please. 

Right, I feel like I’m getting away from myself my brain is kind of firing a lot of thoughts at once. 

Basically full disability is a full on bitch and holy crap I have got to figure this shit out fast or I’ll be … I dunno my mind just went blank. 

And yes, I’m totally working out. 

(Actually, that’s kind of a lie, I only did squats today) 

(Hi again, that’s a lie too. I did a single squat. Baby steps?) 

Happier Times

You might think from all my posts that I’m sick, afraid, and totally consumed by OCD/ Panic Disorder.. Which don’t get me wrong, I am pretty sick — I couldn’t bring myself to going to my friend’s going away party and then spent.. An hour? (I think) in a Michael’s parking lot calming myself down because I had hit my limit on interacting / being around strangers. 


Basically I’m not ALWAYS how I seem on this blog. I write here when I need to get something out of my brain because I don’t know what else to do. 

Today was pretty good — I had brunch and ran a few errands with said friend who is moving to a cold place (this makes me very happy as I CAN KNIT HER WARM THINGS). Now, I did start to get way anxious when I couldn’t find my particular cleaning gloves from Costco at the Costco we went to. 

Said insanely hard to find (apparently) cleaning gloves. OH MY GAWD I AM SO ANNOYED GUYS. 

Anyway, I held it together while I was with aforementioned friend but holy craptasm did I really start getting INSANELY anxious when I then couldn’t find a good bullet journal. I mean, the stores acted like it was the craziest thing in the world to have GRAPH PAPER in a small notebook! Bad luck, I know, since I can think of 5 other establishments that would have had what I was looking for… 


Because I don’t just knit, y’all. I’m a fucking book binding genius (not really, it’s just tape and hot glue. I honestly don’t know how long it will last.)

And yes, I totally changed the quote to something way more positive. 

Of Dishes and Safety

Welp, it’s official. 

I’m on disability until the end of the year. 

On one hand I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and on the other I still feel as if I’ve failed myself and others for “copping out”. 

I have super high anxiety at the moment so let’s change the subject, yes? 

As I mentioned I’ve sort of let my rituals and compulsions take over this week because, well, no matter where the urge to clean is coming from… I’m actually cleaning? 

Except for the fact that I’m focusing on the kitchen and my bathroom sooooo… Really, not so helpful, yes? 

One thing that eases my anxiety TEMPORARILY is cleaning the kitchen every night. I’m talking the works — wash the dishes in the sink, sanitize the sink, wipe down the counters and cabinets, and finally treat the wood cabinets with whatever is in the 7th Generation wood cleaner to make it look shiny. 

I know I’m sick and I’ve really dug myself a deep one, but when almost everything makes you feel like you’re either causing danger or in danger… Well at least I’m not fucking shooting up heroin. 

Silver linings people, silver fucking linings. 

I Am Not Myself 

The past two days have been pretty hard. I’ve had such devastating panic attacks surrounding my full-time disability I left work yesterday and then called out today. It’s basically been a roller coaster something like this:

I brought myself down from an what could have been an epic panic. Positive, yay! 

Now I’m exhausted and I feel like my brain is about to explode. Negative, boo!

I know I’m not taking care of myself, I know that. I’m putting so much pressure on myself and … And I’m letting it takeover. 

There’s this forceful desire to be the best I can be, to be my cheerful, bubbly, full of energy person I used to be. 

Except what I’m letting run my life is the fear of every disaster that could possibly happen. 

That’s not good, right? 

Fine fine fine. I’m calling my therapist tomorrow. Damnit. 


As far as my mental health is concerned, I’m in the “it gets worse before it gets better” ideology. 

The pending full-time disability status really got my OCD going today. I worked myself raw to  clean clean clean. To make sure I had every “perfect” tools from Target to make the sink shine, and floor look pretty, and the wood be gorgeous, and the dust just magic itself away. 

Looking back, I get it. My brain is telling me that maybe, just maybe if I have the perfect home inside, I can make my outside life perfect too. I could go back to work, be the best employee possible etc etc etc. 

Except … Except right now I’m sick and I need help.