I can’t tell if the fact that I am still mostly conscious and functioning is because I can’t put the urge to complete ALL THE THINGS to rest or if it’s the 14 shots of espresso I have consumed today– although no caffeine was consumed after my strict 2p curfew.
I am feeling a tad adrift again having finished another fabulous book, and my knitting is coming along swiftly and far better than I could have hoped for. In fact, I relish the fact that I gain skill and speed with each new knitting project.
Yet my mind cannot find peace. It’s like I’m in a calm, stable mindset and part of my brain is trying to find something to panic about.
It’s more than a little frustrating, to say the least. And of course being so critical of oneself is counter productive…
Lord help me I’m raving like a madwoman.
… And I just spent the better part of 10 minutes looking as 19th century insane asylum photos.
I’ve been on a blissful new combination of meds for over 2 months and, overall, I am pleased as punch.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have my moments — clearly illustrated for all to see on this blog — but I’ve made so many leaps, little shuffles of progress, and my mental health is pretty awesome, my doods.
So why am I so pleased and happy?
Because I basically slept all of Sunday.
Sometimes these meds make me super tired. I’ve learned that if I have a day off and my body is tired, let it sleep! Fighting it only makes me more anxious, more crabby, and all together an unpleasant person to be around.
I didn’t get done AT ALL what I intended this weekend, but whatever! There is always time to get what I need to done because if I’m taking care of myself first, well then, I’ll have the energy and motivation to get said things done!
There truly isn’t anything in the world that makes me happier then a good book and golly have I found it.
Gone away are the vicious “what ifs”, the trepidation of the unknown, and the rapid beating of my heart that so consumed me yesterday.
For once again I have temporarily found peace in a delicious book.
Out July 18, 2016, Imprudence (#2), is just as wild and fantastic as the first. I’m only less than 1/4 of the way through it but wheeeee!!!!
If it wasn’t apparent I’m a book nerd.
That is all.
I’m having a bevy of emotions at the moment and because I can’t seem to sort through them and calm down, well, that’s what I created this site for in the first place.
So as I think I said before after every knitting project I feel a bit on the lost side of things. The same thing happens after a wonderful book.
I’ve read 4 wonderful books and completed 1.5 knitting projects this week (the .5 is a sock). To say I’m feeling emotionally and creatively off-kilter would be quite the astute observation.
You see, there’s this weird sense of pride and elation from completing something and then.. And then I have to ask myself, “what’s next?” Fear of the unknown and change can be especially daunting when it comes to anxiety sufferers like myself.
I personally have difficulty settling down and relaxing as the urge to be productive is pretty dang strong. Even more so when I’m avoiding anxiety inducing activities such as a large project or simple tasks I perceive as big mountains.
In the end this post has actually increased my emotional agitation so hahaha, I think is wise to stop.
Whenever I complete a knitting project I always feel a little lost. I spend hours on Ravelry or Pintrest looking at cool stuff people have knitted. Like I’m searching for THE PROJECT. The next high. The One that will make me go, damn I’m good. This time is a little different…
Every knitter has their disaster story. Hell, I have several. This is definitely the first one on this scale, that took this much time, and made with such yummy yummy yarn. (Bamboo Pop 50% cotton/ 50% bamboo “Bright Spot”– if anyone cares to know)
It turns out that after all off my marathon knitting, after finding how heavy on the needles it got, after all the petting of the yarn and showing it off to others as I knit along, I cast off the last stitch and…
It was too small
I won’t lie, there were a few hours that I was pretty hard on myself and the lost feeling after every project was even worse.
Thankfully I came to grips and I think I’ve found a solution, but I’ll reserve judgement AFTER it’s been washed and finished.
Hooray for small victories.
And now, I must greet the world.
I just had an anxiety attack at work
I discovered I forgot to put my meds in my purse
I’m fucking exhausted
Trees are pretty
And so are you